Welcome to Neverend; the land of eternal darkness.
I’m not so sure myself yet. I don’t even remember how it really came about. I was just looking for ways to describe my disorders and never-ending came to my head. It is a vicious never-ending cycle – depression. Eventually when you think you are doing a bit better it creeps up on you and it’s too hard to do anything. Can’t get out of bed or eat or think clearly. It is that never-ending cycle of constantly being tired and demotivated and overwhelmed. Although, I have always created my work to do with depression – a lot of the time I don’t know which disorder I am referring/referencing. I struggle with borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid personality disorder, depression, anxiety and at my worst I suffer from various forms of psychosis. I am not writing this to feel sorry for myself or make people empathise – it just an important factor to my practice.
When I was little my favourite story was Peter Pan and still is to this day. I always wanted to escape to Neverland and live with Peter, the lost boys, the pirates and the fairies. I could watch the movie over and over again on repeat. It was a means of escaping this harsh reality. Even today, I still use the story to help me when I am feeling very down. I will watch it on repeat and fantasise about living in Neverland where time stands still, where one never gets old. But never is an awfully long time.
The idea of Neverend came to me as I was trying to describe my own little world. It is the dark and ominous Neverland. People who are stuck in Neverend are stuck. It’s never-ending. The feeling of being broken, not normal and exhausted. There is always the feeling of being lonely even when one is not alone. It is a parallel to Neverland. For as long as I can remember I have been drawn to dark things. I prefer to hear about death rather than birth. I prefer to read into the darkness. For a while, however, I tried to do the opposite. I tried to be normal but now I am succumbing to the darkness. I am embracing the darkness that is inside me. But I think it helps. There is no point in hiding the dark passenger inside my mind. Instead I just let it out and express itself within the context of art.
“Never is an awfully long time.”
Although some days are better than others, mental health disorders are neverending. They are always there. They fluctuate. But never disintegrate.